Mother's Day

Last Sunday was more than special for me. My mother and my brother came to my house to have lunch and I cooked for them. It was me, my husband, a friend of us, my mom and my brother. I and my mother have had many problems throughout the past years. It was very difficult for me to understand her attitudes and it was very difficult for her to accept me the way I am. We've fought so much. After she told me the truth about my father - and the whole truth took two very painful years to come out completely - she changed. She's another person now. Of course I changed too. But the change in her is crystal clear. I'm proud of our relationship nowadays. I'm proud of my mother having had the courage to come clean and tell everyone in my family about my history, about my origins. I'm proud of having accepted her without judgements - that was certainly the most difficult part of it all. I love my mother and, most of all, I accept her the way she is. And I understand how difficult those years in secrecy must have been.

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I cooked Moher's day lunch with all my heart. Main course, dessert and coffee cake - I put my heart in every dish. One of the things I love the most nowadays is to cook for the ones I love. My friends know that and take some advantage of it: there's always some friend asking me to cook something. And I do it, happily. Last Sunday's dessert however was my desire: blueberry cheesecake. Mini blueberry cheesecakes, to be more precise. And here it is the picture of my mouth-watering treat (no, I'm not humble when it comes to cooking):

Possibilities

You feel trapped. You feel like drowning in a sea of nothingness and unwillingness. You feel like doing nothing, just because you're not sure the steps you should take next. Then you talk to a friend and he tells you that one of the things you think about doing is 100% possible.

You'd thought it would never ever be possible. It is. You have real possibilities, you just need to decide.

You don't decide anything but it's not a problem because the fact of being acknowledged that YES, YOU CAN clears all the air around you.

You are in the middle of a career crisis but you HAVE possibilities. That's a blessing.

:)

A tad of honesty

When I first set up this blog my intentions were not true. Well, they were true, but that truth doesn't make sense to me anymore. I said I wanted to practice my writing. What I actually wanted was to communicate with some people related to my ex. My ex, the Mexican aka the Crazy Hair Dude. He is not a part of my life anymore. I have no connection with anyone related to him - except from a friend in common, but that's all. The only things I know about the Mexican are things that Facebook tells me.

My intentions now are 100% solid: I really want to practice my writing. Not only I need to but I also promised I'd do so in my last CELTA assignment and I take promises very seriously. That's why I decided to change this blog's name. I don't want to tell anecdotes about my life and change the ending, as I had planned to do years ago. I just want to spill out words. Ramdonly. About whatever I decide and as freely as possible. I'm even planning to go WILD and maybe not even really finish some texts. Isn't it rebel of me? ;)

"You know how I feel" is a sentence from my favorite song of all times: "Feeling Good". It was sung by Nina Simone, Michael Bublé and Muse. I obviously love Muse's version. Sorry Nina. Bublé, I don't really care about you. I would never name a blog of mine as "Feeling good". It's too optimistic and too much optimism is not my cup of tea - I'm a sarcastic gal and sarcasm and too much optimism do not go well together. "You know how I feel" is so appropriate because what I like the most about writing in blogs (and believe me, I know about writing in blogs, I've been doing this since 2002) is the fact that no matter what you're going through, there's always someone who's going through the same. And comments about it. And then you don't feel like you're the only one in the world who thinks like that. Or goes through like that. You feel like you belong somewhere, even if that "somewhere" is the "freak club". That's alright.

Because you know. I know. Everybody knows - even though this is not something we admit: being unique is good. However, what human beings really seek, what we really want, is to belong. Isn't it?

Whyyyyyy that hair, man?

(Facebook and its status update system shows everybody's pictures and, well, I saw yours. I could change the settings but 1) I'm lazy and 2) it's sort of funny seeing your weird pics on my timeline)

You don't rock a hair like that! Go to the hairdresser N-O-W. Get a haircut! Hippie days are over, dude, please, pretty please, have your damn hair cut. Thank you very much.

And that's exactly why it wouldn't have worked out between us. I'm futile enough to care about your long hair even though we haven't spoken for ages. You used to be cute! Where did that guy who used to worry about stupid things like haircut go?

---

I think it's awesome that someone makes a choice in life and follows it through 'till the end. And, because of that choice, one changes everything around, just to go with the flow of that choice. You chose a horrible (lack of) haircut. That's great. I tell you, you'd never work in a company with that hair and goatee. Sorry, life's unfair and so is the corporate world. So what did you do? You, smartass, chose to be a scientist. Which means: the crazier-looking, the better. Congrats!

---

I wish I could say I'm drunk and that's why I posted this fucked-up text, but I'm not. Believe me, I wish you all the happiness in the world but your hair is something that my kindness and my sweetness simply don't accept!

---

I think I'm going to delete this post eventually but I'm the only one who reads this.

Annual professional crisis

Once a year, at least, I suffer from professional crisis. It's a time where I question every single step I've taken in my career as a teacher and get sad for the time I wasted during my educational crisis more than 10 years ago. It's ridiculous. I wish I could say it's pointless, though. It's not. When in a crisis I usually take great decisions and and decide to change things around. The only problem is that this time I cannot precise what the problem is. Or maybe this time the problem is more difficult to solve than before.

I'm here

It's been forever, I know. And I also know that probably nobody even knows about this blog. The last comments I got were from these crazy Japanese dudes, probably spammers - but I'm guessing here, I don't know a thing in Japanese and I was too lazy to use Google translator.

Last year I took an important teaching course. Now I hold a CELTA - Certificate of English Language Teaching for Adults. Which means that I'm a Cambridge certified English as a Foreign Language teacher and can teach anywhere in the world. It is a big deal in my field and I'm certainly proud of it. In my last CELTA writing assignment I said that one of the things I'd do to keep practicing was to write in this blog more often. As you can see, I haven't done that. Until tonight, when I was insomniac and couldn't stand stay in bed any longer.

So here I am. This is my comeback.

Homemade Cinnamon Roll

I'm CRAZY about cinnamon rolls. Since they're not easily found here in Brazil because they're not very well-known, I decided to try to bake them. I'd never made dough from scratch and it takes a lot of strength to mix up all the ingredients. As I'm home, sick with the flu or something equally bad and I had nothing to do, I baked this whole afternoon. I'm a rookie! It takes me a LONG time to cook those more elaborated recipes!

Ch-ch-changes

I changed the layout because I was sick of the other one and because I like this polka-dotted one better. I also changed the commenting system: now there's this letters checking. Because this way I avoid spammers. I've been getting dozens of comments from some japaneses website saying things that I obviously don't understand. I used Google translator to check what the hell the japs want from me and, apparently, it has something to do with sex and nudity. Sassy, huh? Almost nobody reads this blog and I can't blame them at all: I hardly ever update it. I was planning to update it everytime I update my blog in Portuguese, writing in English the same text. I know that's a pretty lazy solution for the lazyness I already have in writing here, but come on, it'd be a solution after all!

Do you remember the time?

I vividly remember. Me and my aunt, a huge Michael Jackson fan, in her living room listening to
some of his albums. "I just can't stop loving you" was playing and we were singing it LOUD.
I mean, really loud. I had the lyrics in my hands, since I wasn't fluent in English yet. Actually, in those
times I had no idea I'd become an English teacher one day, but this is another subject.
My aunt knew all the lyrics by heart, she had all his albums, she was really crazy about every little thing
he 'd made. She used to be such a cool person, I don't know why years came by and she became so boring.
Again, another subject. So, there we were, singing out loud. And I started crying.
Because I was madly in love with a boy and he didn't even know about it. I think he suspected, everybody suspected.
He is my aunt's cousin, but me and her are not blood related, so he isn't either.
Anyway, my family and her family are very close and it was like he was family too.
Inside my crazy teenage mind, he should never know because "our" love was forbidden, we were like family.
Oh my God, how silly was I? My aunt knew about my secret love and hugged me - she understood why I was crying.
And we kept singing along together.

I also remember when he launched "Black and White". I was in a friend's house, it was a nice evening and we were all utterly impressed by all that technology of turning people's faces into other people's faces. It was SO wow... I remember when "Thriller" was launched, I was a little child and felt terrified by all those monsters. I sang along with him in some language I believed it was English when he sang "Beat it". I was very impressed by all the break dance, his moves were so amazing. When "We are the World" was all and about in all the radio stations I used to ask the school's bus driver to turn up the volume because I loved that song. I love it 'til nowadays, actually. When I found out that Billie Jean was not his lover, she was just a girl saying that he was the father of her child, I was apalled. I had always thought she was his lover!

I still can't believe we are in a world where there is no Micahel Jackson anymore. I'm not a person who cultivates idols and I can't say I'm a fan of anyone or anything, but I do have some artists that I deeply admire. Madonna, Muse, Michael. He's part of my childhood memories. He was one of the artists who "taught" me how to speak English. I love many of his songs and I think he was genius. And just like all the geniuses, he was tormented and lonely. And I won't even start with all that pedophilia accusations he got years ago. I think he died alone. The King of Pop died completely and deeply alone. The greates entertainer the world had ever had so far, a man who influenced all the coming generations, completely alone.

How sad is that?

May he truly rest in peace and his kids can grow without all the media lurking them around.

Hi, there

Yes, I'm still alive. I know it's been a long time and I feel a bit guilty for not writing here - I had promised myself I'd practice my writing. But if there's something to be blamed for my radio silence it'd be TIME. Or lack of it, to be more specific. I have more students now and one of them has classes late in the evening. 9 to 10:30 pm, twice a week. Needless to say I get home worn out. One evening I have dance class, an weekly appointment to which I haven't been very present either. I get tiiiiired, the class finishes late and I have to take a bus to come back home. Sometimes I beg for a ride and some good soul gives me one, but this is not always. Then you could say: what about weekends? Weekends, my dear, are for love. They are entirely dedicated to kissing, cuddling, holding hands, giggling, going out together, laughing, talking and laughing more, watching "Friends", etc etc - I really don't have to specify what the "etcs" are. My boyfriend lives in Rio de Janeiro and I live in São Paulo, which means a lot of travelling on the weekends. Either he comes to my house or I go to his house and then there's always a party to go, some dinner with friends, family to pay some visits to. And that's why I've been very busy. I've been very very happy too and I think this is very important to be pointed out here since you, my probably only two readers, remember the hell I went through last year. I deserved a beautiful love story. Seriously, the Universe owed me that. I know, I had the boy I was going out with, but it wasn't a love story. It was a story, just that. A story that helped me to keep away from madness, a story that certainly provided me happy moments, but that was all.

I've been working hard, I still have financial problems due to the crisis that my life was in last year, but things have been going back on track. And I'll try to write here at least once a month!

You go, Mac!

Mac MacGuff: Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you, the right person is still going to think the sun shines out your ass. That's the kind of person that's worth sticking with.

Juno MacGuff: Yeah. And I think I've found that person.

I've had the time of my life...

It was so so awesome that I had to post here the video 'cause I'm still speechless and can't describe it. Kidding, I'm almost never speechless but I really think a video is worth a thousand words. I'm the one on the right, front row, yellow dress. Unfortunately, it is not possible to spot my boy 'cause he wasn't on the front row and he's not tall at all to be easily spotted, hehe.

Next year I'll certainly do it again!

Specially to Mark

Gatoooooooo!

Just to show you the dance I'm gonna present in the end of the year! Wish you were here to be my dance partner! ;-)



It won't be exactly like that, obviously. But the "rueda", from minutes 3:10 to 3:55 is almost the same. Be proud of your Gata Gustosa, my friend!

Reality bites

Then, even though I like him, I had to let him go. I have to, since, apparently, we haven't actually let each other go. We talk. And talk again. And we both agree that it's not the time for turning our relationship into something official. And we both agree we're TOO different and that would get on our way in the future. But we can't stop talking. My heart still beats faster every time I see him. And I still look silly whenever he's around me. And he still acts silly when I'm around. It's pathetic, mainly because we both pretend we're cool. Exactly because we both agreed we should refrain things for a bit. In the normal people world, refraining wouldn't mean to speak every day nor act the way we act with each other. Refraining would be the opposite of that, actually.

I told him today that I don't understand what's going on with me. If he were any other guy I'd already had broken up - for good. I wouldn't still laugh whenever he makes jokes after I say something serious because that gets on my nerves - but still, I end up being like the most patient and comprehensive woman on Earth. Why? Not sure even if a psychologist would explain that. And it's not love (musical pause 1: The Smiths singing "if it's not love, then it's the bomb, the bomb, the bomb, that will keep us together"). No, no, no (musical pause 2: Amy Winehouse singing loudly her "NO, NO, NO" on Rehab). It's not because I know what is love (musical pause 3: Haddaway (you can laugh, I'm laughing) singing "What is love, baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more"). Yes, I know. And this definitely isn't. But I can't say I haven't fallen for him. Or am falling.

So I had to let him go and I have to let him go but it just doesn't feel right. I mean, the right thing is to finish this story. This is being SENSIBLE. Where would this thing go? Where this would lead us? He doesn't want anything serious now. I want. Or at least I want to feel that there's some kind of future. A proper relationship with trips on the weekends, me at his place, him at my place, a looo-oooo-oooot of sex, companionship, meeting friends, etc etc etc. Things that we may even have now, but it's not enough. For instance, he knows my mother, but not officially. I know his mother and she doesn't like me at all. In a proper relationship in Camiland that'd be unacceptable. Because in Camiland parents try to be nice to girlfriends/boyfriends because they want their sons/daughters to be happy. My mother thinks my "relationship" is a joke and his mother thinks I'm going to corrupt her "baby" son or something like that.

Couldn't things be simpler? Couldn't things be MY WAY? My way he'd be older and not panic with the word "relationship". My way, my way...

It's a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life for me... And I'm feeling good!

It's been a long time since my last post, I know. A lo-ooo-oooo-ooot of things happened in this meantime but I think the most important one is:

I survived.

For me, this second semester is definitely NOT 2008 anymore. It's 2008 part II. 2008 b. I forbade destiny, fate, God, the Force - whoever or whatever that keeps the Earth spinning and things happening - to make anything else bizarre to happen in my life for the next 3 years. I'm serious. You'll say blablabla we can't control this kind of thing blablabla - and I know it. But it's worth trying, right? Trying an agreement with these "powers" above and show that all that I went through this year was ALREADY enough. I have suffering material for years so I REALLY wish I could have a happy 2008b and 2009.

Thanks.

Actually I'm having a good 2008b. Somehow I could overcome at least part of all that fatherhood drama. I obviously have inner things to solve and it's expected that I have them - finding out about the father 29 years after being born is not something easy - and that would easily be two years in psycotherapy. The whole story is way too bizarre to be posted, but after I found out who my father was I found out he's already dead. More some years in psycotherapy. Then I was robbed and after I lost my job. Psycotherapy forever.

But as I said in the last paragraph, somehow I found a way to overcome at least a little bit of all these things. And I have new students, I teach in a new company, I'm happy with my new life. And to celebrate this new life and start my 2008b truly happy I chose Muse concert as my New Year's Eve and starting point for a whole NEW ERA. It was certainly the right choice. It was a very very emotional concert for me, I let myself get carried away and cried a lot during the presentation but who cares, it was my moment. The friend who was with me, certainly one of the best friends a person could have in the Universe, understood how I was feeling and held my hand in some songs (Feeling Good, certainly the song that made me cry A LOT) and jumped with me in other songs (Time is running out - our favorite!!!).

After my special New Year's celebration, that I totally deserved, I've been just trying to live one day after the other. Only that. No big plans, no worries about career, no big concerns. I'm just happy about not freaking out, about still being sane without taking any medicine, about my friends, about my no-strings-attached-yet-we're-together relationship ('im even ok with the fact that I know it won't last much but I really won't talk about this now), about my dance classes. I'm having a salsa presentation in december with my colleagues from the dance course and I'm very excited about it! I'll be on stage, I'll be dancing one of my favorite styles, I'll be surrounded by people who I like. It may sound cheesy, but these are the things that truly make me happy. Besides, a friend of mine said he's going to watch the presentation holding a big banner saying "I love Mexerica" - could he be any cuter? (Mexerica means tangerine and this is one of my nicknames. I'll tell why in another opportunity)

Needless to say I matured 5 years in 3 months. Also needless to point out that it is true that after the "storm" you look back and see how much you've learned with all the shit that happened. Duh. This is very obvious and I hate when people keep repeating all that Pollyanna crap. What I can truly say about all this is that I found out that I'm MUCH stronger than I thought I was. Sometimes I actually feel that I became a little bit insensitive - but again, I'll tell why in another opportunity. Another thing I can truly say is that my friends are the best. I wouldn't have survived without them.

Guess I can say that 2008b has been a great great year so far.

Me and my friend ecstatic, tired and very smiley after Muse played "Time is Running Out"!

ps: I don't know if my danish friends still read this, but guys, if you do I have to tell you: I miss you like hell!!!!! Come back to Brasil!

One more post, please

Then my life's messier than ever. And after three months of feeling that I'm sitting on Devil's lap, my concept of what is grieving has drastically changed. I used to be a drama queen trainee in Drama Queen Inc., now I just feel like saying to my life: "bring it on, baby!" when other sad/disastrous events come up.

First day of my life videoclip

I'm basically unemployed. I have money to survive to July, August's a mistery. I spent my week thinking about different ways of blowing the HR bitch's head, who dismissed me and other 3 teachers over the phone, from distance. With a blink of an eye. I think life's never been so difficult, so stuck, so complicated. And when I get home I just don't feel like home. Great success. I'm really trying not to panic and I've been achieving good results; however, sometimes I just cry over the silliest things, like this videoclip.



So "awwwwwwwwwwwwwwww", isn't it?

It made my day better.

Next step: buy stuffed animals and hug them all while watching "Bambi".

NOT.

I believe in musical orientation

He's got lame musical taste. Terrible. The first time I was in his car, he gently said:

"Pick a CD for us to listen"

The following moments were painful - seriously, his CD collection brought tears to my eyes, tears of sorrow (drama queen mode on) - and I couldn't say anything like "GOSH THESE CDS ARE A BUNCH OF CRAP" because it's not nice and he can't be blamed for his taste. He's young and still have plenty of time to be rescued from that world of noises that him, his friends and 90% of brazilians call music. I'm obviously being very tolerant here and I'm obviously not referring to samba or to good brazilian music. I'm talking about shitty rock n'roll. Brasil has excellent musicians, unfortunately the good ones are not well known. Popular brazilian rock is horrible. Songs are all the same, lyrics are the poorest and this mix results in something annoying.

Not to mention the very very popular brazilian music, Carnaval music, which is also poor and annoying, but when you're drunk is 50% nice. When you're drunk in the middle of a crowd with friends is almost nice, I'd say 90%. But this is the kind of music that you listen in a specific moment/occasion. It's not the kind of music one listens at home, to relax or to enjoy something good. So not at home, not to realx, not in the car.

Talking about cars, let's go back to my little situation. Open CD case, ANY possible to be chosen, my self control almost killing me. Then he said:

"You don't like any of those, right? You hate them, right?"

He knows me. God blesses him. And the magic of going out with someone who already knows you a little is: you CAN answer back 'cause he'll know it's just the way you are. And I said:

"Soooooorry, but I really don't like them! Any any of them! So, you pick one"

That's what I call democracy. He said I could bring my music next time and we'd listen. I said I'd record a special CD for him and he said he'll hate it and will listen to it only while I'm in the car, but he's lying. I also know him. And he was trying to pick on me. That's what boys do, right? I remember that some years ago I didn't care much about music and a guy brought me to the good side of life, introducing me to some good music. I can do that for my boy, can't I? I enjoy his company so much, we have fun together, he just needs musical salvation.

So, here I am, choosing tunes for his CD. Only the good old indie rock, to start off. After he falls in love with this one, I record another one, let's say, more open-minded - older songs, Amy, Duffy, Feist, Pink Martini, Funk Como le Gusta... And please, whoever reads this and thinks I'm being arrogant for talking like this about someone else's music taste, bear in mind it's not arrogancy, it's reality.

Selected songs, not all of them will go on this first CD:

Arcade Fire - Rebellion (Lies)
Arctic Monkeys - Dancing Shoes
Arctic Monkeys - Fake Tales of San Francisco
Arctic Monkeys - I Bet that You Look Good on the Dancefloor
Cake - Short Skirt, Long Jacket
Cake - Never There
Cake - I Will Survive
Franz Ferdinand - Take me Out
Franz Ferdinand - This Fire
Franz Ferdinand - Michael
Franz Ferdinand - Do You Want To
Kaiser Chiefs - Na na na na na
Kaiser Chiefs - Everyday I Love You Less and Less
Le Tigre - Deceptacon
Libertines - Can't Stand me Now
Muse - Sing for Absolution
Muse - Time is Running Out
Muse - Starlight
Muse - Black Holes and Revelations
Muse - Knights of Cydonia
The Beach Boys - Wouldn't It Be Nice
The Fratellis - Whistle for The Choir
The Killers - For Reasons Unknown
The Killers - When You Were Young
The Killers - Somebody Told Me
The Killers - Smile Like You Mean It
The Killers - Mr. Brightside
Te Rapture - Pieces of the People We Love
The Rapture - Don Gon Do It
The Strokes - Last Night

Any suggestions? Please, tell me!

(Yes, I love Killers and Muse. Muse is coming to Brasil next month and I simply can't wait!)

Dream a little dream of me

I have this creepy-weird thing about dreams. Like, I dream about someone and in the next days the person shows up saying that needed to talk to me. Or missed me. It already happened that I dreamt with a friend and when I checked my emails in the morning, BAM! an e-mail of him. Some years ago this thing was so strong specifically with one friend that, whenever she appeared in my dreams, in the next day I'd call her and already ask: "what happened, I dreamt about you". And there was always something.

I can't explain this. And I try not to think of it because I know it is something that cannot be explained and if it cannot be explained I have difficulties in handling it. So I just face it as something weird, just more one of the weird things in my so called life. I'm sure Freud would have something to tell me but he's dead and psychiatrists are expensive. Mediums would also have some kind of explanation, but I'd rather not think about karma and all this spiritual stuff.

The creepiest dreams are the ones that happened, in some way, some days later. Silly situations, but still, you're there, living your life and suddenly you remember that something very similar already happened some days ago - in your dreams. I really don't like it. It could be déja vu, I know, but it's not. And yes, I've already researched about déja vus and how they happen inside our brains.

Last night I dreamt about this guy who I used to love. I'd say he was the only one who I loved. I'd also say that what we had is one of those stories that change your life forever and remains forever in your heart - even if you never see this person again. Needless to say he's special. Needless to say I care about him and know he cares about me - in his own way. Well, in this dream he showed up and said he's getting married.

And I really don't know what to think about it. I mean, I wish him all the happiness in the world, but I can't help thinking that he'll call me on the MSN and say that he's getting married.

How creepy could that be, huh?

My reasons to visit Denmark

My good danes are leaving. Actually, there are only two left here in São Paulo - but they'll be gone soon. Needless to say I already miss them all. My constant companies in the last months, my gardian angels who carried me when I was passed out in the middle of a samba school, my good friends who supported me, made me laugh, danced with me, were by my side and made me get drunk. How could I not love them?

Copenhagen 2009, here I go!