I believe in musical orientation

He's got lame musical taste. Terrible. The first time I was in his car, he gently said:

"Pick a CD for us to listen"

The following moments were painful - seriously, his CD collection brought tears to my eyes, tears of sorrow (drama queen mode on) - and I couldn't say anything like "GOSH THESE CDS ARE A BUNCH OF CRAP" because it's not nice and he can't be blamed for his taste. He's young and still have plenty of time to be rescued from that world of noises that him, his friends and 90% of brazilians call music. I'm obviously being very tolerant here and I'm obviously not referring to samba or to good brazilian music. I'm talking about shitty rock n'roll. Brasil has excellent musicians, unfortunately the good ones are not well known. Popular brazilian rock is horrible. Songs are all the same, lyrics are the poorest and this mix results in something annoying.

Not to mention the very very popular brazilian music, Carnaval music, which is also poor and annoying, but when you're drunk is 50% nice. When you're drunk in the middle of a crowd with friends is almost nice, I'd say 90%. But this is the kind of music that you listen in a specific moment/occasion. It's not the kind of music one listens at home, to relax or to enjoy something good. So not at home, not to realx, not in the car.

Talking about cars, let's go back to my little situation. Open CD case, ANY possible to be chosen, my self control almost killing me. Then he said:

"You don't like any of those, right? You hate them, right?"

He knows me. God blesses him. And the magic of going out with someone who already knows you a little is: you CAN answer back 'cause he'll know it's just the way you are. And I said:

"Soooooorry, but I really don't like them! Any any of them! So, you pick one"

That's what I call democracy. He said I could bring my music next time and we'd listen. I said I'd record a special CD for him and he said he'll hate it and will listen to it only while I'm in the car, but he's lying. I also know him. And he was trying to pick on me. That's what boys do, right? I remember that some years ago I didn't care much about music and a guy brought me to the good side of life, introducing me to some good music. I can do that for my boy, can't I? I enjoy his company so much, we have fun together, he just needs musical salvation.

So, here I am, choosing tunes for his CD. Only the good old indie rock, to start off. After he falls in love with this one, I record another one, let's say, more open-minded - older songs, Amy, Duffy, Feist, Pink Martini, Funk Como le Gusta... And please, whoever reads this and thinks I'm being arrogant for talking like this about someone else's music taste, bear in mind it's not arrogancy, it's reality.

Selected songs, not all of them will go on this first CD:

Arcade Fire - Rebellion (Lies)
Arctic Monkeys - Dancing Shoes
Arctic Monkeys - Fake Tales of San Francisco
Arctic Monkeys - I Bet that You Look Good on the Dancefloor
Cake - Short Skirt, Long Jacket
Cake - Never There
Cake - I Will Survive
Franz Ferdinand - Take me Out
Franz Ferdinand - This Fire
Franz Ferdinand - Michael
Franz Ferdinand - Do You Want To
Kaiser Chiefs - Na na na na na
Kaiser Chiefs - Everyday I Love You Less and Less
Le Tigre - Deceptacon
Libertines - Can't Stand me Now
Muse - Sing for Absolution
Muse - Time is Running Out
Muse - Starlight
Muse - Black Holes and Revelations
Muse - Knights of Cydonia
The Beach Boys - Wouldn't It Be Nice
The Fratellis - Whistle for The Choir
The Killers - For Reasons Unknown
The Killers - When You Were Young
The Killers - Somebody Told Me
The Killers - Smile Like You Mean It
The Killers - Mr. Brightside
Te Rapture - Pieces of the People We Love
The Rapture - Don Gon Do It
The Strokes - Last Night

Any suggestions? Please, tell me!

(Yes, I love Killers and Muse. Muse is coming to Brasil next month and I simply can't wait!)

Dream a little dream of me

I have this creepy-weird thing about dreams. Like, I dream about someone and in the next days the person shows up saying that needed to talk to me. Or missed me. It already happened that I dreamt with a friend and when I checked my emails in the morning, BAM! an e-mail of him. Some years ago this thing was so strong specifically with one friend that, whenever she appeared in my dreams, in the next day I'd call her and already ask: "what happened, I dreamt about you". And there was always something.

I can't explain this. And I try not to think of it because I know it is something that cannot be explained and if it cannot be explained I have difficulties in handling it. So I just face it as something weird, just more one of the weird things in my so called life. I'm sure Freud would have something to tell me but he's dead and psychiatrists are expensive. Mediums would also have some kind of explanation, but I'd rather not think about karma and all this spiritual stuff.

The creepiest dreams are the ones that happened, in some way, some days later. Silly situations, but still, you're there, living your life and suddenly you remember that something very similar already happened some days ago - in your dreams. I really don't like it. It could be déja vu, I know, but it's not. And yes, I've already researched about déja vus and how they happen inside our brains.

Last night I dreamt about this guy who I used to love. I'd say he was the only one who I loved. I'd also say that what we had is one of those stories that change your life forever and remains forever in your heart - even if you never see this person again. Needless to say he's special. Needless to say I care about him and know he cares about me - in his own way. Well, in this dream he showed up and said he's getting married.

And I really don't know what to think about it. I mean, I wish him all the happiness in the world, but I can't help thinking that he'll call me on the MSN and say that he's getting married.

How creepy could that be, huh?

My reasons to visit Denmark

My good danes are leaving. Actually, there are only two left here in São Paulo - but they'll be gone soon. Needless to say I already miss them all. My constant companies in the last months, my gardian angels who carried me when I was passed out in the middle of a samba school, my good friends who supported me, made me laugh, danced with me, were by my side and made me get drunk. How could I not love them?

Copenhagen 2009, here I go!

Escape Valve

Dexter's been my company since yesterday. He's a serial killer with a serious code of honor - he "just" kills other serial killers who kill innocent people. He has no feelings for anybody or anything, he's seriously psichologically damaged and he fakes all human interactions in his life. When I say all I REALLY mean ALL. But still, what an adorable company! I'm completely in love with this series. I planned my day today based on it. I planned my day tomorrow based on it. I have to go out with a friend in some minutes because it's his farewell (can't talk about it now otherwise I'll get sadder) but it's a proof of love and friendship: I don't work tomorrow and I could spend all night long oh yeah baby watching Dexter.

Watching something very catchy is what I do when I want to escape from the reality. My life's been messier than ever and I truly needed something other than going out and partying to pull myself together. Dexter's been helping me to keep myself content. Thanks, Dex! Now go find out who's the ice truck killer - and finish him!

Believe me or not, this real life Ned Flanders is, actually, Matt Damon. This is how he'll look in his next movie, The Informant. It should be forbidden that good-looking, charming and hot actors, who are always in my dreams of naughty nights under the sheets, play characters where they look something between Donald Trump and a nerd pedophile. Anyway, he's still one of my muses. With Village People mustache or not, he's still Matt, the guy with a name that sounds very interesting for me. Don't ask me why, it makes sense only in Portuguese. I'd still marry him, despite the hair and the mustache. 'Cause a girl must stand up for what is right, and what could be "righter" than Mr. Damon kissing me? Can't think of anything else. In case you're wondering what I'd do about this hideous mustache, the answer is simple: electric shaver as a wedding gift. Plus a card saying that my biggest fantasy of all times is a "mustacheless" (haha) man. Done! Perfect Matt back again!

Almost 30 fucking years - Part I

I'm gonna borrow some words from people who express themselves much better than me. And, even more than that, they could find words that I couldn't find to say things that I simply can't talk about. At least now. You know, I've waited my whole life for this. My WHOLE life. As far as I can remember, the revelation I got today is one of the things I yearned for the most in my life. The truth is heavy. Almost unbearable. The truth hurts.


I could hurt you now
(Aimee Mann)

This is for the one who was false
Who taught me about building walls
One who could always turn it around
To leave me here on shaky ground
This is for the one who made good
In someone else's neighborhood

One who was never anything but
The shifty eye of sheer bad luck
Once I thought that I would never forget
And I have not quite done that yet

But I could hurt you now
I could hurt you now
This is for the time that I lost
The death of who I thought I was
The things in which I cannot believe
For fear I'll wear them on my sleeve
Things I know that will never be returned
But I crossed that bridge before it burned

So I could hurt you now
I could hurt you now
I could hurt you now
I could hurt you now
Maybe it leaves an invisible scar
But I have not come quite that far but
I could hurt you now
I could hurt you now

Almost 30 fucking years - Part II

How could anybody possibly know how I feel?
(Morrissey)

(...)
But even I, as sick as I am,
I would never be you
Even I, as sick as I am,
I would never be you
Even I, sick and depraved,
A traveller to the grave
I would never be you
I would never be you.

Almost 30 fucking years - Part III

And now, for something that is not completely different, a little bit of hope.

Hang on Little Tomato
(Pink Martini)

The sun has left and forgotten me
It's dark, I cannot see
Why does this rain pour down
I'm gonna drownIn a sea
Of deep confusion

Somebody told me, I don't know who
Whenever you are sad and blue
And you're feelin' all alone and left behind
Just take a look inside and you will find

You gotta hold on, hold on through the night
Hang on, things will be all right
Even when it's dark
And not a bit of sparkling
Sing-song sunshine from above
Spreading rays of sunny love

Just hang on, hang on to the vine
Stay on, soon you'll be divine
If you start to cry, look up to the sky
Something's coming up ahead
To turn your tears to dew instead

And so I hold on to his advice
When change is hard and not so nice
You listen to your heart the whole night through
Your sunny someday will come one day soon to you

Life's impermanent

From Wikipedia:

"A virtuous circle or a vicious circle is a complex of events that reinforces itself through a feedback loop toward greater instability. A virtuous circle (or virtuous cycle) has favorable results, and a vicious circle (or vicious cycle) has deleterious results. A virtuous circle can transform into a vicious circle if eventual negative feedback is ignored."


Usually life happens deviously. We never know what is going to happen or what is going to change or, going further, where it's gonna stop. By "It" I mean this bitch we call life. 'Cause sorry if I hurt your optimistic and pollyanish views about it, but something that is worth of trust presents some kind of permanence, perpetuity, durability, imperishability (yes, I know how to use a Thesaurus). How could you possibly trust something that changes completely from today to tomorrow? That's almost a woman PMSing - you never know what's about to show up: would it be the crying needy girl or the bitchy moany whining monster? The problem is that besides being untrustworthy and devious, life sometimes decides to play tricks on us, poor human race. That's where the virtuous/vicious circles say hello to everybody. That's funny how situations may happen twice after years and then happen again after more years. It seems that either life wants to show that you're dumb enough not to having learned anything from the first time and forces you to go through a similar situation again as in "it's now or never you moron" or that Karma thing is really true and you simply have to go through that ordeal from time to time. By ordeal I mean any kind of dilemma: professional, amouréuse, whatever. Then you remember: "oh, this has already happened to me". But the decision you took one year ago is not the same kind you need to take now because even though the situations are similar and you're living in some sort of virtuous circle, life, that bitch, has changed. And so have you.

Last year I wrote a text where I say that life's very impermanent. I'm not going through exactly the same situations this year, some things have, thank God, changed. But the paragraph that talks about impermanency is so true. Life may change in a second and you may be caught short-handed and not have the faintest idea about what to do. But then you stop. Cry. Think. Curse again. And decide. Then just adapt. Or readapt. Or reinvent yourself.

Unfortunately I can't say that "My way" would be having God choosing for me. I already believe in destiny, that's enough. Our choices are of our own responsibility and knowing how to cope with them is the only possible way of turning life into less of a bitch and more of a Grandma with a plate of warm cookies, as I've written in another text.

So, that's it. Yes, life changes suddenly. Yes, the things you believed to be certain are not, never. Yes, life can be interesting, despite deviousness and circles and repetitions and impermanence. And, finally, yes, life's a bitch, but, let's be honest: it's better a bitch than a nun.

YAY! Paper!

Some people like french fries with ice cream. Other people can't put their socks on without counting their toes before. Some people are so crazy about soccer that they barely breath during a soccer match. No, actually some not only breath as also scream, yell, shout, curse, punch the floor, cry. Because of eleven men running after a ball. Super cool. I know some people who wash their hands every 10 minutes or so. Others like to listen to Michael Bolton tunes - pretending to be him.

Me?

I like paper stores.

My drawings are childish and I'm nor artistic at all. But still, I could spend a long time (not hours, just to be very clear) testing pens, looking at all those brushes, papers and checking out all the stationery items that have always caught my eyes. I've always liked paper stores, since I was a kid. Of course I love book stores and I have this girlie "cliché" thing for shoe stores and clothes stores. But I feel really good when I'm in a paper store, surrounded by... well, papers of all colors, checking out all the new cute notebooks in the market of notebooks.

Because of this apparently weird taste of mine I had this conversation last Saturday:

"You know a kind of store that I really like? Besides make-up and shoes?"
"Tell me..."
"Paper stores."
"WHAT?"
"Yeah, paper stores."
"But do you draw?"
"No."
"Are you an artist and I didn't know?"
"Nope."
"So WHY paper stores?"
"Because it's nice, all those colorful pens... I feel good."
"I can understand why... YAAAAY PAPERS!"
"Hey, don't mock me! I've met other people who like paper stores too."
"Where have you met them? In paper stores?"
"No, in life..."
"Alright. I bet it was in a FREAK MEETING of FREAK PEOPLE who like paper stores."
"I'm not a freak!"
"PA-PERRR!"
"Ok, stop. Let's go to the bookstore, you want to buy some books and I'm gonna show you two of my favorite authors."
"No, thanks. I can't trust a woman who likes paper stores."
"You can trust my literary taste. It's really very good. I suck at Math but I'm a good reader."
"No. PAPER. STORE."

If people have the most different tastes for the most different things, why is it so weird that I like all the colorful items in a paper store?

That's why in my way things would be something like this:

"You know a kind of store that I really like? Besides make-up and shoes?"
"Tell me..."
"Paper stores."
"Seriously? That's cool. Actually, that's very authentic!"
"Yeah, I know. And because of that you deserve a kiss!"

See? Compliment and kiss, this is the portrait of a beautiful scene.

(And after writing this I conclude that women will always be girls, men will always be boys, no matter where and no matter how old they are. Not that I'm old - you know that I'm still young and sweet, only twenty nine. Anyway, "my way" is cute because it has a kiss and kisses are always welcomed, but the truth is that the original dialogue was pretty cool. I like having that kind of conversation. Or argument. Or silly talking. And, let's face it, men are usually very good at picking on girls, women are good at... I don't know. Answering back? Pretending we're pissed? Anyway. You understood.)